Golden Sate

Owen has ably put forth diagnoses and prognoses, and what with the formidable SCORE, the Franchise Fixes, and various other useful screeds, I thought it time to take a step back...way back. I ascribe the motivation for this post at least in part to my contempt for NBA All-Star weekend. The following is a theoretical survey of what each Golden State Warrior would be like to eat. Disclaimer: I have not actually tasted the flesh of any of these men.

Kelenna Azubuike
Robust flavor and superior tonus make Azubuike a familiar face. Speaking of which, his face is the best part.

Raja Bell

The elusive Bell is mildly enjoyable sun-dried, but that's about it these days, unfortunately.

Andris Biedrins

This towering bundle of limbs should be high on anyone's list. He's lithe, tan, lean, and almost certainly has a very low free radical count. Any season, any style: the man is delicious.

Stephen Curry

Sweet to the point of cloying, the temptation with Curry is always to eat too much. Should not be given to children more than twice a year.

Monta Ellis

Tough, sinewy, gamey and face-meltingly spicy, Ellis tempts and tortures even the most adventurous taster.

Devean George

George is alternately doughy, grainy, and chewy, with a peanut buttery finish, and he sets off the histamines like you wouldn't believe.

Chris Hunter

Filling, but deeply unsatisfying. Something like horseflesh or bad brisket. If you're chewing on Hunter you've got bigger problems than food.

Corey Maggette

With subtle marbling and tenderness that can't be matched, Maggette is as much a status symbol at this point as a true meal option. Still, in the right circles you'll find him cubed and wrapped in thyme or layered with squab and partridge in a mosaic of autumn game. Just be prepared to pay through the nose.

Anthony Morrow

Morrow is best enjoyed in the preprandial cool of the evening with a glass of JW Black and Perrier. Perhaps the best-kept secret in the NBA harvest, snap some up in August before he's all gone.

Vladimir Radmanovic

Almost impossible to get down, and seemingly rancid at times. Radmanovic has been varyingly described as something akin to bear cooked in nitrogenous loam. Alleged psycho-narcotic properties mean you can find him if you try, but be advised that some roads lead in only one direction.

Anthony Randolph

Stringy and bitter, with hints of truffle, Randolph is an acquired taste, to be sure. For a good first impression, pair with a fresh navel orange and a handful of pine nuts.

Anthony Tolliver

Tolliver is unique on this team in that he tastes absolutely awful, but brings to the table chew profile and mouthfeel nonpareil. Old couples, with their inferior olfactory and gustatory senses, appreciate him more than most.

Ronny Turiaf

With the highest per-serving quantities of iron, fiber and riboflavin of any Warrior, Turiaf is unquestionably the best for you. Even vegetarians have been known to sneak a few bites to minimal erosion of pride.

C.J. Watson

Light and silvery, Watson leaves you feeling fresh and invigorated, almost like you never even ate him. For this reason, he is exceedingly popular with well-heeled American and Brazilian women.

Brandan Wright

There's not a whole lot of meat on this bird, but no matter; if you're after Wright, you're after offal. His heart is excellent, as is his pancreas. I also hear fine things about his pituitary gland.

Don Nelson

There was a time when this whale could feed a nation. Now, alas, the meat is pulpy and sallow. If you have to, head for the small of the back, and marinate for at least a week in tarragon vinegar. Serve cold.