Housekeeping, Simmons

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Down to business. A commenter has asked us to weigh in on Bill Simmons's recent weighing in on the squad's direction.

Now, we Worriers read the Sports Guy with the same pronounced ambivalence that most Americans do. We want him to hold himself to a higher standard joke-wise. We want him to settle down about Larry Bird. Above all, we want him to never, ever write about poker again (yeah, nothing shows you're a true-blue veteran card player like quoting "Rounders," you fucking chickenhead). A lot of the time, Bill Simmons annoys us something fierce.

But he's also a funny and perceptive writer, and we respect those who, like us, care more about the NBA than the stupid amateurs in the college game. More to the point, when Simmons pops in on the Warriors, he almost always has a solid handle on the state of play, and his most recent piece is no exception.

(We'll quote most of the Warriors section. This may anger ESPN, but it's not like they're going to sue us... those milquetoasts don't have the balls.)

VP's Take: No plan, no identity and no idea what they're doing. All bets are off. They might be dumb enough to use Anthony Randolph (a top-10 talent among the under-25 guys, even if he's a little nuts) or Andris Biedrins to get someone to bite on Corey Maggette's contract ($40 million remaining through 2013). Let's hope not. They should be building around Randolph, Biedrins, Monta Ellis and Stephen Curry and giving them the lion's share of minutes.

We agree -- in fact, we could not possibly agree more. Simmons, keep this up and you'll be all right by me.

Mitigating Factor: It wouldn't shock me if they dealt Randolph, Biedrins, Ellis and Curry in the same trade. It also wouldn't shock me if Don Nelson coached a game naked from the waist down, or if their devoted fans organized the first boycott of a professional sports team that actually worked. Can an entire franchise get Tyson Zone status?

I guess the "Tyson Zone" must be one of those phrases he likes... anyway, more on-point stuff here. Bill, you're a genius! That guy was stupid to call you on the flop with ace-king! We totally understand each other, and--

Fake Trade No. 2 (three-way): Tracy McGrady's EC to the Knicks; Randolph, Eddy Curry and Cuttino Mobley's EC to Houston; Gallinari to the Warriors. New York wipes Curry off the books. Houston takes a $10 million hit next year for a chance to hit superstar pay dirt with Randolph. Golden State gets something for Randolph before he inadvertently sabotages his trade value for good by crying during all five games of a road trip. And Gallinari realizes his destiny as a NellieBaller. Everyone wins.

OMG SIMMONS I HATE YOU I HOPE YOU AND YOUR BUDDY HOUSE HAVE A FALLING OUT AND YOU DIE ALONE

To be fair, Simmons was operating under the now mercifully faded theory that the Warriors were desperate to move Randolph. Still, a horrible, horrible, stupid, putrid joke of a trade, especially considering that he lists it under possible fixes for us. We lose Randolph, don't dump Maggette, and our reward is... Danilo Gallinari? He's not terrible, but he's one of the most overrated young players in the league, he's getting worse by the month, and he has a history of back problems. The actual Warriors front office could get more for Randolph than this.

This proposal shows the limits of Simmons's vision for us. He can see (perhaps via TK, who he's praised before) that Nellie's hurting the team, and yet his trade proposals for us always involve us getting more Nellie-like. "Warriors = Nellieball" is one of the many shorthands Simmons uses in his jaunts around the league. And on some level, fair enough... the Guy's trying to cover a lot of ground quickly. But if the thrust of your column is that you're going to improve each team's situation, you should examine each team's situation a bit more closely than this. Not even the Warriors would trade Randolph for a soft shooter. And the "this guy is destined to be a NellieBaller" talking point doesn't make much sense when Nellie's a couple months away from being nine Coronas deep on a beach, chuckling at a golf magazine.

Simmons giveth and Simmons taketh away. We'll have to give him a two-out-of-three on this analysis, which, come to think of it, is probably about his usual batting average. Pretty good. Pretty annoying.